For July 28th, 2003
Mango
The mighty Mango is a woman of many talents. She dances, she sings, she acts, and she comedy improvs. She might also be a highly-paid assassin for the Knights Templar, but we can't prove it and we're told it's probably a good idea that we don't try.
While Mango makes her lair in the bustling megalopolis of New York City, she's honed her performing craft from Hollywood to London and myriad points in-between. Not content to limit herself to performance, however, Mango's also proficient in fashion design, soccer, wrestling, tae boxing, artistic and mural painting, and community outreach.
And...assassination of unfriendly despots and traitors to the ancient secrets of the Knights Templar? We're told to cool it and never bring such things up again. We've already been warned once, and what is our damned problem? Also, she has no idea what we're talking about. If we know what's good for us, we won't, either, savvy?
Additionally, it's really most prudent that we don't even get started with her intricate mercenary work knitting mittens and knocking off political enemies for the Masons.
So we won't!
Mango loves rocking out to The Cramps, The Makers, The Drive, Rob Zombie, Blondie, and Joan Jett, and she recently worked on a horror film with the lead singer from The X-Possibles.
Now featured on her own weekly internet/cable video show, Mango has a chance to manipulate your brainwaves and turn you into her puppet like James Woods in Videodrome. We might urge her to use her powers for good, not evil, but it's ultimately her call. Surviving that, you might catch her dancing on nationally syndicated latin show Club LTV, but you'll surely be in her thrall by then.
Her new favorite movie is Speeder Kills. She casually mentions that you'd better go see it. Or else.
Mango's got a Yahoo! group you should absolutely consider joining. She promises there will be no mention of Knights Templar, Masons, Shriners, The Illuminati, Rosicrucians, or Canadians, and that our time is now up. It's a little late to be begging for forgiveness, and we really should have known better.
Thank goodness we didn't mention Scientologists!
Oops.
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