For September 22nd, 2003
Zenova Braeden
B-movie actress, model, photographer, makeup artist and psychobilly aficionado Zenova Braeden knows a thousand different ways to make you scream. We bet that you'll enjoy 99% of them, in spite of your resistance (which is futile, anyway, and you should really know better).
Featured in edge-of-your-seat horror flicks like Deadly Culture, The Big Lie, Nightwalkers, Goth, Witchcraft XII: Lair of the Serpent, and Evil Tales III, Zenova assures us that she's never really murdered anyone.
"If you do need someone killed, however, I've got a cousin in Palmdale I could talk to." She confides in a whisper, "But I get ten percent up front. Finder's fee, savvy?"
Smiling and nodding is always the best response to such admissions, we've discovered!
From an air-conditioned throne room deep beneath scorpion-littered desert sands, Zenova, Empress of the ever-mighty Inland Empire, contemplates her next move.
"I could invade Orange County, or I could go to the beach." she says, mercifully offering us cool glasses of chocolate milk to slake our thirst after our long journey through the unforgiving southern California dustbowl, "but in the end, what's it all about? Do I lead my people to certain victory against the citrus-flavored hordes, or do I tell everyone to relax and gather driftwood 'cause we're going to have a bonfire on the shore? It's not always easy to determine what's right for my people, you know?"
Zenova tosses a newly-minted nickel (made fresh daily!) from her Yucaipa treasury into the air and has us call heads or tails. We choose tails.
"You're looking for tail? Well, I've got a cousin in Palmdale...oh, wait." She catches the nickel and slaps it onto the back of her hand. It's tails!
"I guess that means we go to the beach! I think!" Zenova says, beaming, "I can declare war on Orange County next week. Those vermin flunky mouse-kowtow-eers will still be around! Now, let's party!"
Zenova does her best to ensure that the Inland Empire experience is a bit like living in a David Lynch film -- with less midgets. They're usually sent off as ambassadors to places that are hard to get to for an average-sized person (like the Congo and Legoland). In any case, there are plenty of jitterbug contests and Pabst Blue Ribbons to keep the native and the casual tourist alike satisfied.
But what's going to keep you, our dear reader, satisfied? Why, visiting Zenova Braeden's website and joining her fan club, of course! If you've really got ants in your pants, might we suggest also checking out September's Scream Queen of the Month over at Screamqueen.com? We think you'll find a familiar face!
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